Always Procrastinating..

I have to actually follow through on my disability stuff today and over the weekend. I received three envelopes in the mail a few days ago and still haven’t opened them. I haven’t even gathered the info needed. Always procrastinating.

I think I procrastinate like I do because of anxiety and fear. Not knowing something is a source of anxiety for me, but finding out something and it not be good news or something positive is worse than just not knowing. If you find out something you didn’t want to hear, for me, it just makes me stress even more. Not opening those envelopes are a example of this.

Anyway. I plan to get dressed and cleaned up today. I not only have to deal with this disability stuff, but I have mail that was sent to my parent’s address that I need to get. I have a feeling this weekend will not be fun. And getting dressed is a issue for me, more on that later..

I’m sure that this weekend is the Super Bowl too. I dread it already. My BF’s mom was asking what are plans were for it and neither of us really had no idea or set plans. If we stay here at the house I get the feeling that his mom will invite all their family to come over. That means crowded and loud, obnoxious people screaming at a TV screen. I’m just guessing..

I haven’t really mentioned fasting so I here I go: I still have yet to get started. But I did weigh myself last night and it’s given me motivation to keep trying. I have a doctors appointment by Feb. 25th and I really want to be leaner, probably not at my ultimate goal weight, but closer. I really need to start and stick with it because I literally can’t wear the majority of my clothes.

I’m 5’6 and currently at 150 pounds. I hate being this heavy now. Just back in November I weighed 126 pounds. Every year I do this, put on weight and then start fasting intermittently to get slimmed down again. What a dumb, viscous cycle. I hate that I do this, but holidays involve food with my Bf’s family and mine too. It’s hard to say no, especially to these people!

I’m really hoping that I can resist food tonight and start up things. The weekends can be tough because everyone is home and they will either cook or order out. But it’s something you have to work past because there’s always something that will tempt you.

Tonight when cravings hit I will focus on my clothing not fitting and feeling like a bowl of jello. If I can keep focused I might be able to finally stick things out. If I will keep thinking long term results I know I will do better. It will still suck and be hard though..

When I started blogging I was hyper focused on fasting and tried to really be accountable to anyone following along. I took photos of the scale and of myself too. I may do it again because I didn’t do a good job last time. I don’t think that I even posted a “after” shot. If I can find a photo of me from fall/beginning of winter I’ll include that with other current and final weight pics.

I’d like to be back to 126 pounds, if I could get back to 117-123 that’d be absolutely ideal for me. But if I don’t get it together I will never see that weight again! Plus, I’m super tired of saying that I’m going to fast and then cave, it makes me feel like a fraud! Till next..

Alternatives to taking a shower..

Sometimes, as a depressed person, I find it difficult to shower. While a shower a day used to be a achievable goal, it’s quickly losing prestige to other activities such as reading the entire internet, stuffing my face with dry cereal, and my favorite, worrying about anything and everything beyond my control. At the risk of losing my boyfriend’s affection, including other friends and family, here’s a list of alternatives to showering:

1) Outfit change. Putting on fresh clothing is kind of like showering. Or at least like your clothing took a shower. Shouldn’t that count for something? You’ll immediately smell better. For at least 30 seconds.

2) Hide the stench in layers. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for days now. And have no intention of showering or changing. In the words of a black woman from YouTube, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”. Lucky for you, it’s winter and it’s fucking cold outside. Mask that smelly top of yours with a sweatshirt and top it off with a coat or jacket. No one will question this look because it’s fucking freezing, plus everyone wears layers upon layers of clothing in winter.

3) Blame the smell on something else. Find yourself in a crowded public space? See someone around you cupping their face? No problem, kitty! Whisper loudly to the person you’re with or if you’re alone, fake a phone call. Say something like, “It smells really gross in here.” Use your best offended, slightly belligerent tone of voice.

4) Don’t leave your house. Cancel any plans that would require you to appear clean.

5) Dress up. Go all out with this tip. Search your closet for something you’d wear to a trendy restaurant. Go the distance with your best accessories, nicest shoes, etc. Wash your face and pile on makeup. Dressing nicely implies that you are a responsible adult who takes care of themselves. It also looks like you showered.

6) Body Spray/Perfumes/Cologne. These products are all great to use in place of showering. Make sure you spray it on every inch of your body and clothing. You want enough on that when you leave a room the scent still remains as if you never left.

7) Make up a cause. People are always raising money for some sort of cause. How about saving water by agreeing to not shower indefinitely? You’re not lazy, you’re a hero.

8) Bar soap. Find a bar of soap and rub it all over yourself. Make sure you take your clothes off first when trying out this tip, soap on your clothing looks like you’re trying too hard.

9) Go swimming. Enroll your kid in swim class that requires your participation.If you don’t have kids like myself, borrow one. Chlorine is kinda like soap, plus parents like clean kids.

10) Car wash. Either spray yourself down while washing your own car or walk through a car wash yourself. Remember to bring your towel.

11) Get a pet. Pets love to lick dirty, sweaty humans. The next time your in need of some grooming let your pet do the dirty work. Dogs and cats are always licking themselves to stay clean, right? Pets licking your disgusting body clean is kind of the equivalent of getting a bath.

12) Dryer sheets. Nothing will earn you more compliments than stuffing dryer sheets down your pants, pockets, even under your arm pits. Make sure you rub the dryer sheets all over your head too. This not only will make your hair smell clean, but will also prevent that dreaded static electricity.

Well, those are just a few tips that you can use in daily life, thus freeing your time for better things than wasting your energy in the shower. If you guys have any tips of your own or questions about not showering, go ahead and leave a comment and together we can figure things out. Till next..

The door hold dilemma..

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The door hold dilemma is when you’re the first person to walk through a door, only to see that behind you there’s another person approaching the same doorway you’ve just reached. What to do, what to do!

Being the thoughtful person you are, well at least sometimes, you choose to hold the door open. Only you underestimated just how far away this person was, leaving you to hold open the door for what feels like eternity or at least the majority of your 20’s.

So you stand there waiting, watching the person walk slower than a elderly person you notice pushing a walker. Your arm feels like it may fall off. Doesn’t matter. After all, you do have another arm to use so you will surely be okay. So you continue watching and waiting until finally, they’ve arrived and passes through said doorway. They tell you thank you and in your head you’re thinking, “Thank you for taking your fucking time to get here.”. Something like that.

But if you don’t hold the door open for someone then you risk being viewed as a selfish person. What’s worse, if they ever see you again they’ll be sure to tell all their friends that you’re the scoundrel who closed the door on them!

You must be careful about holding open a door too. If you hold the door for someone and it’s brief, well then that will most definitely make you appear like a polite member of society. Hold the door open too long, you will quickly be seen as a creepy person. To be fair, if you’re whispering things to yourself or making odd hand gestures as you’re holding the door you most certainly will be considered a weird, possibly mentally unstable person.

Timing is everything. If your timing is off it can affect almost anything you do. For example, just like the door hold dilemma, laughing at a joke someone told you for a short amount of time is fine. Laughing for several minutes at the joke, especially if the joke was lame, that will just make you look like the lunatic you are.

Anyway! Are you the type of person who expects for someone to hold the door open for you? Or are you the person who understands if they don’t and closes the door? Maybe I’ve put more thought into this than most, but my day just wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t reflect on these situations and worry like this. Till next..

Resting Bitch Face

It is almost noon and I haven’t started anything yet. I am about to start frantically cleaning the house, the first time in weeks. I don’t want it to sound like the house is filthy, it isn’t. For me however, in my mind, it’s just that: filthy. If you saw me right now you would know I have what is called “Resting Bitch Face”.

Basically, RBF is an affliction I’ve suffered from for awhile now. I just so happen to have a face that screams bitchy. I think my frustration for everything is shown on my face and it’s just hard to look happy if you’re not. Moving on…

I can’t stand for my surroundings to be cluttered or not perfect. I can already feel anger boiling up inside as I think about this. I have such resentment for those around me. I just can’t tell you how much I hate the subpar way people in this house clean around here. No one can do it better than me and that’s just a fact.

I’m not usually someone to be so matter of fact but with cleaning and keeping house I can be. I’m just much better at it than the people around me. I’m sure having OCD is a big part of why but I’ve always been very rigid about cleaning and taking care of household chores as an adult.

I have the attitude that if you are taking on a task, whatever it may be, either do it the right way or don’t do it at all. I’m super annoyed when I look around here at how things have been done. The care I put into things is far superior than what others have done.

I am so bitchy about this but I just can’t help it. I think it’s not just cleaning that makes me feel this way. I am just angry. I’ve been angry for a long time. I can’t tell you the source of it all but I’m sure like everything else it goes back to childhood. What’s worse is I don’t express these feelings well and instead I bottle it all up. It’s not good.

Anyway. I think I will stop here and try to post something later. Hope I haven’t scared everyone off by this attitude I have right now. I just can’t help it right now. Till next…

I’m awesome at failure

Last night didn’t go well. I ate again, not starting the fast. I decided that I would need some help from the boyfriend. So starting tonight, the boyfriend is under strict orders to not let me eat, this means no matter what I say or do, he is not to let me off the hook.

It’s silly I have to take measures like this but when you’re not as motivated and you lack discipline you do whatever possible to achieve success, right? At least that is what I have decided.

Fasting can be fucking hard! But I really can say from past experience that once you get started and can stay committed, by day 3-4 it gets so much better. Again, someone else may not have the same experience with their fast and that’s more than okay. I just know it isn’t quite the battle to keep going after that third day for me.

I think more than anything too that it’s harder to fast and continue on when you are in a household that doesn’t really support what you are doing. And besides that, you also have to stay busy somehow. You start to realize how much eating you’ve been doing and you have to find something to replace that behavior.

I’m convinced that when you do start your fast that’s ALWAYS when all your favorite food comes around. It really does feel that way for me. All these months of eating and when you stop that is when someone decides to bring take out from your favorite Chinese restaurant. Or a special occasion rises. Point is, there will always be something that happens that will challenge you.

You just have to remember the reason why you are fasting. And visualize the end result too. In the moment of weakness it’s so hard, all week I have caved and every morning I get up and think how sick I feel from eating and how sucky it is to be in this same rut. But hopefully you keep trying. You get to that point where you just don’t want to feel bad anymore. You tire of feeling guilty and something clicks.

Thanks to everyone that reads and supports me. Thanks for keeping me honest. I will keep trying and I will get there. Till next…

Thursday thoughts

I hope today will be the start to me sticking to fasting. Each day I wake up is worse than the day before it seems. I think everyday I have got up with a headache, which seems pretty fucked up to me but maybe it’s a common occurrence for others?! Whatever.

Each night I have binged on whatever I can find in the kitchen. I start eating stuff and honestly I will just keep eating until I make myself feel totally sick. I guess it’s good I have never been the type to purge or I’d have more issues to worry about.

I went to my doctors appointment yesterday to see that I have gained another 4 pounds, bringing my weight to 148, the highest it’s been since I started blogging. I am not surprised at all, I’ve known from the start that binging would take its toll and I would eventually sabotage everything I did to lose weight before..

I knew but told myself I didn’t care. Like always. I am not freaking out that much though. I know what has to happen to feel better and so I just need to get started. The hardest part is getting started. If I can get to the 3-4 day mark it will get much easier. Just gotta start.

I think one of the hardest things for me when fasting is learning to go to bed hungry. I don’t think that I really am actually hungry either, instead it’s just my body being used to binging and it has grown used to that. Feeling hungry and being hungry are two different things to me.

Fasting will rewire things. I eventually will learn again what actual hunger is and when I really need to eat. I really believe fasting helps with that and so much more. I feel like when I fast and start losing weight I have this newfound energy that’s been missing. I don’t have this nauseated feeling all the time nor do I have headaches like I’ve been getting lately. I can’t say anything negative about fasting. My experience each time has been nothing but good things.

Anyway. That’s where my head is at right now. I am actually going to try to stick to things starting today. I can’t keep gaining weight or putting it off. And I sure as hell don’t want to keep feeling sick. Gotta get started. Till next…

Added stress to an already stressful day..

I’m already hating on this day. We’ve had people out to look at the washing machine and now the internet again. It seems like every week there is something else that is needing attention. Every time someone comes to the house the dogs go crazy, it’s just added stress to an already stressful situation.

Soon I’m going to need to get ready for a doctors appointment at 2:20. I have to see my doctor every month for refills. It seems like he could write scripts out for me in a manner where it wouldn’t be necessary to come in monthly but I don’t dare ask him. I don’t mind that much but it would be nice.

I always dread going to the doctor’s office. I struggle to make small talk with the staff and doctor. I say as little as possible, hoping things won’t feel to awkward. I don’t know why I have difficulty talking to them but I do and today’s appointment probably won’t be that much different.

Whenever my appointment is over I plan to swing by the pharmacy and request refills for some of the medication I need. I run out and instead of promptly taking care of things I put it off just the same as everything else. Nothing new.

Other than that stuff, I really need to come home and clean. At least clean up the bedroom. I’ve pretty much destroyed it, clothing everywhere and the trash over flowing. It’s been on my nerves for awhile and I’ve just ignored it. I just hope that I still feel motivated by this afternoon.

If you’re reading this post, I sincerely hope that your day is better than mine. I don’t think that this is the worst day today but it’s also not the best either. I would like to not feel irritated or annoyed but it’s too late. Till next…